is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
