woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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