I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
