Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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