I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
