The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
