There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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