you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
