my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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