I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
