It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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