put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
