two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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