I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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