I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
