Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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