Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We left the knife in your bed.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
