I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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