I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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