That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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