I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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