That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
