and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
