I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
