I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
