good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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