i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
