I'm lost and stupid without you.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
