if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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