cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
