That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
