i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
