The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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