Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
