The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
