Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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