hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
