My hand turned me down
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
