I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
