i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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