I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
