Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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