Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
