Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
