dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
