spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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