the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
