If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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