you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Actions speak louder than pants.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
