wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
